420 ftw
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
