Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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