Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
