Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize