Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
