How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
