Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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