Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
