MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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