Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Blood and glitter go together right?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
