There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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