I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
