I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
