Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
