I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
