This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
