things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
