its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize