it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
