Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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