$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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