So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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