she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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