my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
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