I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
