she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize