i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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