I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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