So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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