did you get engaged???
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
