I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
