It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
