Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
