Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
