sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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