that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
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