In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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