dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize