I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
