i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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