How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
