He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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