My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
