She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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