Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Come on in and take your pants off
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