you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Can you bring me the toilet please
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
