Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Randomize
