I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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