You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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