paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
