It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
