A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
