Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
