I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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