apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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