last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
